May 31, 2010

IT’S ALL OVER

I had a highly emotional week last week, with all the Hug a Ginga Day controversy and then our IVF story playing on TV1’s SUNDAY last night. I really feel like I’ve had way too much attention and I now want to lay low for awhile.
The SUNDAY story was amazing. John Hudson and Julia Sartorio did an excellent job putting it together. As we were filming I was thinking, “How could anyone find this interesting?” but it turned out great. John Hudson invited us to his house to watch it with his family (it was his birthday yesterday). He is an awesome man. I was quite emotional watching it. It was only two weeks ago that it all ended badly for us.

Julia Sartorio, me, Dom & John Hudson

We have been getting the most incredible feedback from people though. I can’t keep on top of all the messages. It has been so humbling to get so much positive support. But we have had our fair share of negative too. Some people accused us of doing this as a publicity stunt or to get more attention for ourselves. I have worked in radio for 21 years, and we have pulled so many stunts to get attention and publicity, but I can tell you now, with 100% truth, this was NOT a stunt or a cry for attention. This was completely separate to the radio persona we put on every day and it was a very difficult decision to make to go ahead and open ourselves up to this. Watching it back on TV, we did feel slightly embarrassed, but we believe we did the right thing. So many people have thanked us for giving them the insight into a topic that is largely hushed over.

If you missed the story, it is in three parts, equalling 24 minutes and you can watch it here:
http://tvnz.co.nz/sunday-news/jay-and-dom-s-ivf-battle-3568371/video?vid=3572824

As for what happens now? Who knows. My next goal is to go on holiday. I am emotionally exhausted and really need to take some time off. Tossing up between quiet time in Whitianga or maybe going overseas to Rarotonga or something like that.
Thank you for your support and encouragement. I really cannot believe so many people who are strangers to me can be so caring. It really does overwhelm me. There are so many good people in this world. If you are going through fertility treatment or need support in this area, I urge you to contact Fertility NZ who have lots of information and services in this area. http://fertilitynz.org.nz/

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May 25, 2010

OUR STORY IS ON TV

I told you how TV1’s SUNDAY programme has been following our IVF journey…. We agreed to do the doco because we hoped if we had a baby it would be an incredible gift to have the conception and birth documented. Of course we were also prepared that if the IVF did not work out that we would have a smaller story with a not very happy ending. Unfortunately, as you probably know, the latter happened. And the doco will be on this coming Sunday night. (30th May). SUNDAY on TV1 at 7.30pm.
There are two previews online, here’s the first one:

And here’s the second one:
http://tvnz.co.nz/sunday-news/dom-and-jj-s-ivf-battle-1-35-video-3564702

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May 17, 2010

THE AFTERMATH

It’s been five days since we found out we won’t be having babies anytime soon, but I must say, I am feeling much better now. Last week was very hard, especially mid week. I was all cried out by Friday and when a friend came by with flowers and Moet, tears welling in her eyes, I said to her, “Don’t you dare cry! I’ve got nothing left in me!”
It has been humbling though, seeing how many friends and family members have cared as much as we did and felt as distraught as us. And the messages and emails I have received from listeners, friends of Radiochick and blog readers has been overwhelming. I wanted to reply to them all but I simply can’t keep up. So many of them made me cry and others inspired me. All of them humbled me. I just find it so hard to fathom that so many people who don’t know me personally have been touched by our journey. I want to THANK all of them from the bottom of my heart because the feedback and support has meant so much and really helped get us through.
I have no idea where we will go from here. Dom thinks we need to take a break to get our heads clear again, but I think we should get going again while we’re on a roll. The problem is, we are so confused and frustrated as to what should be our next move. Try again the same as before? Sperm donor? Embryo donor? Surrogate? Adoption? There are so many options but no-one is able to tell us exactly what the problem is. If I knew what the problem really was, I would be working on fixing it! We have had four really good friends offer to donate sperm to us which has been huge. That would be a very difficult decision to make. And I have had so many women, most of who I do not know personally, offer to carry our baby for us. I cannot count how many have offered this. That’s just crazy incredible that a stranger would offer to help in such a huge way. But I don’t need any of that right now. I need to figure out what we are going to do from here. What the next goal is. If only I could predict the future!
The SUNDAY TV crew have finished filming and say our story will be on in just a few weeks. I’ll let you know when I know for sure. It was fun having John Hudson and his crew around because they are such amazing people, but there were times when I wished the cameras weren’t there. Most of those times I was crying! Oh gawd, I’m going to look like such a sook!

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May 12, 2010

AND SO IT ENDS…

Dom and I have just completed our fourth round of IVF. Over the last six weeks I have given myself daily hormone injections to prepare my body and grow eggs. Dom had an operation to remove his sperm from his testicles and I had an operation to remove 7 eggs from my ovaries. Both ops left us sore for at least a week afterwards! From my 7 eggs, 6 were injected with sperm. Only two developed into embryos, one of which was not in great shape. Both embryos were implanted into my uterus 11 days ago and I have been waiting it out. The Two Week Wait. My pregnancy test was due this Friday. I have been feeling great and even wondered if I suffered symptoms… sore boobs, headache, hunger… apparently the hormones were causing me to feel this way.
Yesterday I woke up and went to work but felt very tired. That horrible tired feeling I get on the day of my period. I started to worry. Then yesterday afternoon, the cramps set in and last night… there was blood.
I can’t describe the shock. My heart was racing so fast and I was shaking. I didn’t want to panic, but I knew it was not a good sign. I told Dom and he knew too. We both sat on the couch very quietly and numb. I went to the toilet numerous times hoping it was nothing, but it was something. I texted a nurse at Fertility Plus and she told me not to panic but to call her today. We got up at 4 and went to work as normal at 5 but by 5.20 I was a wreck. I just knew it was the end and it’s all I could think about. I couldn’t go on air and pretend to be happy when I was dying inside. Dom was emotional too and said, “I’m coming home with you.” So we left.
I had a blood test at 8.30am and we waited at home, doing nothing, til we could go to the hospital at 1pm for the results.
“It’s not good news I’m sorry”, the nurse said.
That was all I needed to hear. Confirmation. My head collapsed forward into my hands and I cried and cried. Dom cried too. We have been together for 11 years and this is only the third time I have seen him cry. My heart is aching and I am at a loss as to what I want to do now.
But that is the journey with IVF. It’s a long road to happiness and only the strong survive. The question is, how strong am I?

P.S. Thank you so much for the AMAZING prayers and support. It has really been overwhelming and has helped us a lot. I wish the rest of you going through IVF the best of luck on this crazy rollercoaster.
xxx

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May 9, 2010

THE FINAL COUNTDOWN

This two week wait is SO BORING!! And it drags… I still have 5 days to go til my pregnancy test. I’m nervous though. What if the embryos didn’t stick? What if I lose them in the next five days? What if I lose them fullstop? Everytime I go to the toilet I’m nervous to look. So far I am relieved to have seen no sign of miscarriage. But I wonder if there are any signs of pregnancy? I had a sore boob for two days, but it wasn’t THAT sore. I have had a headache all week and it has hurt a lot. I have been hungrier than usual. Today I had a wave of nausea. Am I imagining these things? Am I wanting them to happen? Are they nothing unusual? I just want a sign!
I’ve been going over the possible results in my head. If it’s negative, I’ll be utterly and completely devastated. Unconsolable. Will I need to take time off work? If it’s a positive result, I won’t want to get too excited because I’ve had that news before….and then I miscarried. This is all too much! I have come this far and I really don’t want to go through this ever again. Also, I’m not getting any younger. This has to happen now or it may never happen.
Counting down the days…..

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May 1, 2010

I’VE BEEN IMPLANTED!

The embryos survived the night! Well, one did anyway. One multiplied like it should and the other one wasn’t doing much so it’s highly likely that one will die.
You can see here in the photos, the messy one is the good one.

These are my embryos

They implanted both embryos in me anyway, because you just never know what could happen ;)
The process is painless, apart from the fact that you have to have a full bladder and you’re busting for a wee the whole time, but it was so incredible to watch the straw go into my uterus and plant the embryos in there. I saw them pop out of the end of the straw and nestle into the uterus. It was so emotional. We feel lucky to be able to see that. Not many people can say they saw their two day old embryo inside their uterus!
Dom didn’t cry but I reckon he would have if there was no-one else in the room! Even the Embryologist cried. It was such an amazing moment.
But we are not pregnant yet. Now we have to wait out what is commonly known in the IVF world as “the dreaded TWO WEEK WAIT”. In two weeks I will have a pregnancy test to see if the embryos implanted and if I am pregnant. It is hard not to get excited but I am trying to keep a level head about it all because we have been here before. In our 3rd round of IVF we got the positive pregnancy test… and then miscarried a few days later. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I am trying to remain positive at the same time.

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April 29, 2010

WE’VE HAD OUR OPERATIONS

So I guess you’re wanting an update huh?
This is where it gets very weird having shared this journey with the world. We are the point now where we don’t want to get everyone’s hopes up so we want to keep things quiet – but we have already brought you this far so it would be mean of us to quit sharing now.

So the operations went very well. Mine was so good that I don’t remember a single thing about it! Those drugs were awesome. Dom said I was cracking heaps of jokes and was quite funny. I was thinking perhaps I need to take those drugs before I go on air so maybe I can be funny on the show!!
Dom took a quick video of me after the operation…

Dom remembers his op but he says it didn’t hurt. It’s actually later in the day when the drugs wear off that you feel the pain. We have both been walking very gingerly around the house. I am very uncomfortable and sore and can’t sit for too long without needing to lie flat.
The Embryologist called later in the day to tell us they retrieved 7 eggs and injected 6 with sperm. GREAT NEWS!! Especially since it was only a few days ago I was having a meltdown when I heard I only had three eggs!
This morning they called again to say 2 died, 2 didn’t change at all, but 2 have started to divide. So we have two potential embryos. We will wait and see if they survive the night and if they do…. I will be implanted tomorrow!!!
(For those of you who don’t know much about IVF, this will not mean I am pregnant yet.)
Thanks for your amazing support, prayers and well wishes.

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April 27, 2010

ROLLERCOASTER

Good news from my third scan… about 5 or 6 eggs! Man, no wonder this is one crazy rollercoaster ride!
So I had a good day yesterday.. right up until about 5pm when I started to feel really dizzy and faint. I have no idea if it was IVF related but I did not feel well at all. I thought I was going to vomit so I lay on the couch with a bowl next to me. At about 6.30 I couldn’t take it anymore and went to bed. I slept until 10pm when I had to get up to have my Trigger injection. (The injection that gets my eggs ready for collection). The TV1 Sunday crew came to my house to film the 10.30 jab. (They work hard!!)
I had the injection and then went to bed. Today I can really feel my ovaries. My stomach is slightly swollen and full. I am very bloated and uncomfortable. I know it’s going to be a rough night’s sleep… but it’s all for a good cause coz tomorrow morning we are having our operations! My egg collection followed by Dom’s Testicular Biopsy. I was originally going to be put to sleep but I am braving it and going for a sedation instead. Dom is a bit nervous of course. Poor thing. It’s no fun for a guy to have his manhood violated!!
So fingers crossed for a great outcome tomorrow.

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April 25, 2010

GUTTED

I spoke too soon. I went for my second scan yesterday and things weren’t as bright as they were on Wednesday. I was hoping they had found an 8th egg, but the news was worse… all of a sudden I only have THREE good ones!! The doctors and nurses were trying to be positive and remind me that we can work with three and it’s not a bad number but I was GUTTED. I couldn’t control my disappointment and ended up bursting into tears. The worse part is of course that the TVNZ Sunday cameras were there and no matter how hard I tried not to cry, I couldn’t deny my pain. It’s my own fault. I got too cocky and confident. I was feeling pretty cool with 7 and hoping for 8, so now I feel like I’m being punished for being too greedy. I know it’s not over yet and there is still a chance but I am so sad about it. My next scan is tomorrow and hopefully the three have plumped up and are ripe to be picked in a couple of days.

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April 23, 2010

HOW MANY EGGS?

I went for my first scan on Wednesday to see how things are cooking down there. The TVNZ Sunday camera crew came with me, so you can imagine how awkward it was for me to be lying down on a bed with my legs up in the air, naked from the bottom half, covered only by a white sheet. I had a Doctor, a nurse and a Trainee in there too. The doctor shoves a lubricated probe up my vag and pushes on my ovaries so she can see and count my eggs. It was very crampy and uncomfortable so I was sqirming and tensing up a bit. She keeps telling me to relax and I rebutted, “It’s a bit hard where there are five other people in the room!”. Haha. Anyway, the news is…… I have 7 eggs. Five good sized ones and two little ones. I have no idea how they know this because I was looking at the same screen they were and I couldn’t see a bloody thing. But anyway, I’m still taking the drugs, trying to grow the size of the eggs and I’m about to go in for another scan this morning. I should have a better idea about numbers and dates of my egg collection today I hope.

Last night a really good friend approached me and offered me his sperm, should I need it. This is the second serious offer I have had from a friend and about the fifth personal offer in total. Our infertility issues supposedly lay with the sperm, so donor sperm has been a consideration. It is an extremely generous but very major thing to offer someone. I was speechless when my friend suggested it. He would be an excellent donor, but it’s a whole other dilemma that one. If you go for a donor do you go for a stranger or someone you know? Is it easier to bond with your child if you don’t know the real father lives around the corner from you? I don’t know. I’m not emotionally ready to deal with that yet. We are just praying like crazy (and we’re not even religious) that Dom has the goods this time. Help us with the positive thoughts?

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